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likeawh0re [userpic]

A new experience.

September 25th, 2006 (01:06 am)
content

current mood: content

Last night brought my first encounter with the wonderful, lovely Salvia.

I am a real fan of occasional marijuana and booze, but hadn't ever tried a hallucinogenic drug. So, after getting our hands on some Salvia, a few friends and I ventured into the unknown.

20x, $45 for eight hits (or so they said -- between the six of us, we each had a good hit; there is still enough for another six). A homemade water bong, a torch lighter (which I've learned is pretty much crucial), and we were good to go.

I took a couple of hits, and felt dizzy. Tipsy. Very, very drunk. But no grandiose visions, nothing psychedelic. I was disappointed. Determind to see something, I sat down on a stone bench and proceeded to take the biggest hit I could.

Within seconds, I remember that I started laughing uncontrollably and was being pulled away from the world. There were two friends in front of me, but they ceased to exist. The night sky turned into a giant, spiralling kaleidoscope. A pale blue and yellow tunnel started to spin all around me. It was someone's house, and they were somewhere behind me; I could feel their presence, but I couldn't see them. I kept gliding smoothly down the tunnel, away from whoever (or whatever) it was.

After about five minutes, I began to pull myself out and I returned to myself, to this dimension. Within ten minutes, the experience was over. It was amazing.

Salvia uber alles.

likeawh0re [userpic]

Out of all the ways to feel in control.

August 23rd, 2006 (11:02 pm)
sleepy

current mood: sleepy
current song: Sex and the City

To starve is to be in power of myself. I feel strong. Healthy.
I also feel dizzy. Irritable.
But in control.

I'm not sure if this is a fair tradeoff; all I know is that starving gives me clarity, and eating gives me nothing but a stomach ache and a serious lack of self respect.

I've also noticed that this is my second entry that begins with me whining about food. Perhaps I should write something with a little more depth. Suggestions, anyone?

likeawh0re [userpic]

What a day, what a day.

July 26th, 2006 (04:05 pm)
hungry

current mood: hungry
current song: Adolescents - Who Is Who

I am hungry. I am starving and I haven't eaten all day. There's nothing to eat. The kitchen cupboard is stocked up on things like tomatoes, frozen rhubarb, eggs, bread. I could make something if I wanted to, but the problem is that I don't want to. I want my food now. After all, that's how everything else is done these days. We're part of a world that is in love with the quick fix, and we've got tons of them.

It's the small picture versus the big picture; guess which one wins.

The rest of my day hasn't been all that great either. I finally dragged myself into a much needed shower. I guess that has been the highlight so far.

X and I had another argument. Another one. Same topic, different circumstance. He has an answer for everything, and it frustrates me.
He's going to make a great lawyer.

likeawh0re [userpic]

Fat.

July 25th, 2006 (12:23 pm)
tired

current mood: tired
current song: The Beatles - Day Tripper

Being a twelve year-old must be great. They're not self-conscious in those ungodly short skirts; they don't stand in front of the mirror, wishing to be ten pounds lighter.

Oh wait, yes they do.

What the hell is wrong with this generation?

likeawh0re [userpic]

Love.

July 23rd, 2006 (09:05 pm)
depressed

current mood: depressed
current song: Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars

I wish I wasn't so insanely paranoid. I wish I could just take things, for once in my life, as they are. Instead, I analyze. I tear everything apart, break it all down, and I destroy it.

All night long I've felt like I was being held under water. My lungs are ready to explode. Don't even get me started on the headache.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to be happy until I ditch this princess complex I seem to have. It's not X's fault if he finds other girls attractive. Yet I feel resentment and envy eating me alive every single damn time I think about it. Christ, how did I get like this?

As if I couldn't get anymore bitter over relationships, I'll throw in another little bomb that was dropped on my head a couple of hours ago. My parents are separating. Six years ago I would have said fine, it's not worth the stress anyways, and I understand. But tonight, I did my best to hold back the tears.

The more I think about it, the more I come to realize that "love" isn't anything more than a word we've created to explain an attraction. Love doesn't last forever. None of us are happy forever, or sad forever (though that's debatable); none of us are in love forever.

Love is fleeting, enjoy it while you can.

likeawh0re [userpic]

The air.

July 21st, 2006 (10:51 pm)
sad

current mood: sad
current song: Acceptance - So Contagious

My boyfriend -- well that's complicated. Technically he's my ex, but everything about us would suggest otherwise. I'll call him X.

X and I were talking tonight, and at one point he said, "Anything for you, sweetie." To which I looked down at my feet and whispered, "Almost," just loud enough for the irritatingly humid air to hear. Like I hoped someone would hear, just as long as it wasn't him. I didn't want all of his efforts toward getting me back to be in vain.

I try to be perfect for him, because I don't want to be the one that screwed it up.

likeawh0re [userpic]

Bad habits, anyone?

July 21st, 2006 (11:19 am)
annoyed

current mood: annoyed
current song: Nirvana - Lithium

If my parents knew I smoked, they'd kill me.

My mom quit about a year and a half ago, and ever since then she'll preach about how she's fucking God to anyone who will listen. My dad, never much in favour of cigarettes. He was a serious pot head until a few years ago when he quit cold turkey, and got sick.

God forbid I light up even once. Don't I know what it's doing to me? Haven't I seen the pictures, heard the facts? Of course I have, but does it seem to stop anyone else? We're living in a generation of act now, think later.

It's not even that it's anarchy or rebelling anymore, so much as it is just grasping at any small relief from life. I'll listen to and abide by most of my parents' rules, I've never been a bad kid. But they can't take away those few guilty little habits that bring me comfort in the world that they've created for me.

Everything has a price these days; how can anyone expect not to pay for their own hypocrisy?

likeawh0re [userpic]

Question for anyone who's alive at the moment.

July 20th, 2006 (09:44 pm)
bored

current mood: bored
current song: Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Back so soon, I know. What can I say? LJ's going to have me addicted.

What does it mean to feel alive? It's a different question for everyone. Some people drive fast. Others get high. Some steal, some lie.

Now, I know what you're thinking; these are all negative. What about being onstage, or being up at bat on a baseball diamond?

Does anyone else see the common factor? It's adrenaline. The things that make us feel most alive are things that trigger a chemical reaction in our body by means of either artificiality or natural stress. Whether good or bad, we like to feel our blood pump.

But how can feeling alive be defined by one reaction in your body triggered by an outside stimuli? Adrenaline doesn't make us feel alive; call it what you will, but not alive. Adrenaline is simply meant to protect us from stress and danger.

Take a moment to sit and breathe. Acknowledge the fact that you couldn't survive at all without food, water and oxygen. Acknowledge that if you were missing but one of these things, how fast you could feel your heart racing wouldn't make a damn difference.

What makes me feel alive? The fact that I'm still breathing.

likeawh0re [userpic]

New at this.

July 20th, 2006 (09:19 pm)
busy

current mood: busy
current song: Coldplay - Under the Tracks

So this is where I'll be writing my thoughts down. I've never been much of a writer, but lately music's been failing me. Maybe there's something comforting in words that can't be found in a musical note (and vice versa, of course -- but that argument defeats the point of the creation of this journal).

Little by little I'll piece together my life here. Story-telling. There are some things that would be of help if one is looking to understand my mind:
I am a very cynical person. Hope for the best but expect the worst? Bullshit. Why even bother with hope if you're setting yourself up to fall in the first place?
One of the biggest annoyances you'll find with me is that I talk big, but know little. Frankly, I don't care enough to know a subject in its entirety; instead, I find satisfaction in learning a little bit of everything.
You'll probably seldom agree with my points of view. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to make sense. My opinions and the way I argue them is probably the most fascinating thing about me, because rarely can anyone follow my train of thought long enough to understand me.
I've never claimed to be a great, or even decent, writer. I'm a creative soul -- It's never taken me longer than a day to learn a song on any instrument handed to me, and I can pick almost anything up by ear. I also love to draw and take pictures. But I enjoy writing, and I hope to improve.
Last but most definitely not least, I'm dark. I don't trust, I have a record of using and abusing poor coping methods, eating disorders, I've had my fair share of suicidal experiences, and generally the only time I write is when I'm depressed.

Share your own opinions and experiences, and I'm sure we can be great friends. A closed mind is not one I'm prepared to deal with.
I hope to at least intrigue one person with something I write.

M.

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